highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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