I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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