Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
