I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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