Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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