They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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