I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Farmville is her only friend.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
