i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
