I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
