This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Are my feet made of real feet?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
