no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
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