I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I have fence marks all over my body
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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