Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
