Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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