so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
