Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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