Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
