Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
