Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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