I think I won the penis lottery.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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