i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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