i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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