I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
