sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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