i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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