I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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