If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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