I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
