"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
