It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
