Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
