Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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