if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
