ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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