genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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