I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
