Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
