omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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