dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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