When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
