can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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