I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
