return my video game
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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