Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
