Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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