I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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