Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
