I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
