i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
