and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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